According to How I Met Your Mother (and HIMYM is always
right), nothing good happens after 2am. In America, that may be true. In Samoa,
though, the nothing good apparently starts happening much earlier, which is why
we are usually in bed by 9. This weekend, however, was Labor Day, so we went a
little crazy here in the little house at the edge of Faleasao. On Sunday night,
Jackie and I were out until 11 (11!!! PM!!! Out!!!). Obviously we got home
exhausted, wanting only cookies and fruit snacks, and maybe a quick shower
before bed. That’s when the trouble started, because everyone knows you never
go into a tarantula-infested bathroom at a time when nothing good can happen.
Jackie made her Jackie noise, and told me to go get the
other broom and come in carefully, sticking close to the door, away from the
wall, where the humongous tarantula was poised, ready to strike. I decided to
take the extra precaution of closing both our bedroom doors, and as I did so, A
CRAB FELL ON ME. The crab obviously came from the bathroom, because it had been
living there for the past three weeks behind the sink cabinet. But I guess it
decided to finally climb out, scale a wall, AND NINJA JUMP ON ME WHILE I WAS
TRYING NOT TO GET KILLED BY A HUMONGOUS TARANTULA. All this happened because it
was after 11, and we should have been asleep for hours already, letting the
crab and the tarantula do whatever it is they do all over our house in those
hours.
Jackie is less afraid of crabs than spiders (I am too, I
think, because spiders can move any which way but crabs only move sideways,
which while scary is at least predictable) so she was able to trap it using a
pitcher and a spoon and take it outside, where, thank God, our 15-year-old
neighbor was hanging out with her friend. Sabrina told us, no, of course she’s
not scared of spiders! They don’t bite! They’re her friends! So we handed her
the Spider-Killing Broom and sent her into the bathroom, telling her she could
kill it or keep it as a pet but it needed to get out of our bathroom NOW. Sabrina
gave it a good whack, which dropped the spider from the wall, when it promptly
RAN UNDER THE DOOR TO MY ROOM making this, actually, THE WORST THING THAT HAS
EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Sabrina reminded us, again, that spiders don’t bite, then
opened my door and proceeded to pulverize the thing until every single leg had
separated from its body. This was wonderful, but a bit disconcerting since she
had just declared spiders as her friends a minute and a half ago. Still, the
spider is gone, and I am happy. Sabrina was happy, too, since we gifted her
with cookies, a flash-drive, and a Victoria’s Secret duffel bag. She said she
was always available if we needed help, so it’s a win-win for everyone.
And now it’s 11:45, which is dangerously close to midnight,
and I refuse to see what new horrors await that hour, so I need to fall asleep
as quickly as possible. And never, ever stay up this late again…
I'm really missing my spider-less bathrooms in Boston and Minnesota right about now...
(UGH. Spiders SUCK)
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